Standing Firm on Consequences

Last week, I wrote about using consequences rather than punishments when working with children. This week I want to address the hardest part of all of this - standing firm on the consequences you give. It can be so difficult for the adult to watch the child living with the consequences of their actions. They are often genuinely very sorry and upset about how things turned out for themselves or they are promising to "never do this again" and begging you to drop the consequence. Often at this point, many parents can see that the "child has learned the lesson" and will sometimes feel like the consequence is not necessary. This is when you need to stay strong and allow your child to deal with the consequences. It will make all of the difference for your family later. As your child grows they will need to be able to make good decisions and the consequences of a bad decision get much bigger as they grow. It truly is best to let them learn how to make decisions and live with the consequences now so that they don't have to learn when the stakes are higher.

A few examples:

• When your child forgets to bring back their library books on library day, don't run back home to get the books for them. Yes, you want them to have good books to read but you also want them to feel the natural consequence of needing to wait a week to get new books.
• When your child refuses to wear a coat and it is cold outside, let them feel the cold and wish that they had made the choice to wear a coat. (Of course, you will surreptitiously check the temperature to make sure that this is safe for your child. Only very rarely will the temperatures merit you stepping in.)
• When your child refuses to get dressed on time for school, don't argue, just bring them to school in their pajamas.
• When your child forgets to pack their afternoon snack, don't run one up to school for them. They will be just fine without it, perhaps just a little hungrier when they get home from school.
• When you are going to walk to the park with your children and one child just won't get ready, leave that child at home with the other parent or a neighbor (if you can) and take the other children. No need to make a big fuss, just go ahead and go without the child who won't get ready.
• Don't give warnings. If your child is misbehaving when you are out somewhere simply tell them that you will have to leave if they don't stop. Then if they don't stop the behavior, leave without saying a word.

It is hard to watch your child cry or "suffer the consequences" but if you help them learn these lessons while the consequences are smaller (even though it doesn't feel like it at the time), you will all be much happier in the end.

Here is the secret, we all mess this up all the time. The good news is that your child will give you another opportunity to practice these new parenting/teaching skills again and again. Remember, we can do hard things.

For more stories and ideas, check out the short articles below:
How Failure Can Lead to Success
Guiding Kids to Own and Solve Their Problems
Learn the ABC's for Training Kids to Do Chores